I’ve been thinking about projection a lot lately, especially since so many of my engaged and newlywed clients have persevered with the thought, “I don’t love him.” This is such an important and complex topic that I have written about it several times, but let me put it more clearly here: projection is a defense or addiction against feeling the natural fear and pain associated with a transition and the anxiety, -doubt, and old traumas around the love of your wounded self. As one of the women on my forum poignantly said in a recent post: “But I also know from my own experience that it is much easier to stay in the projection state than it is to deal with the actual grievance.”
It may sound strange to think of projection as an addiction, but for this to make sense, you need to understand the difference between a process addiction and a substance addiction. An addiction is anything that distracts you or protects you from your painful feelings. We commonly think of addictions as being related to substances such as drugs, alcohol, or sugar. But process addictions like spending, sex, TV, planning, and rumination are just as rampant and difficult to tackle. Calendar? ruminating? Were you surprised to read these on the list of addictions? Planning is when you can’t stop thinking about the things you have to do (like planning a wedding). Ruminating is when you become so obsessed with a single thought that it distracts you or protects you from addressing the underlying emotional pain.
The “bridezilla” phenomenon that runs rampant in our culture is a woman who is so addicted to planning her wedding that she avoids addressing the natural and normal fear and aggravation that accompany this major life transition. She becomes so obsessed with all the items on her to-do list, the things she needs to buy, the cutlery, and the table setting that she becomes a distorted version of herself that alienates everyone. those around her. She is living in a state of control, tightness, and disconnection. She is living with an addiction.
The same is true for people who find their way into my work, except instead of focusing too much on planning, they focus too much on their partner. Where Bridezilla channels her fear, pain and old wounds around love and intimacy in her dress and her flowers, the “conscious brides and grooms” channel her difficult feelings towards her partner. They put their partner under a microscope until all they see are so-called flaws and flaws. They ignore the good times, downplay what works, and only focus on the reasons why they can’t move on with this person. They then spin their thoughts into a reel of negativity until only one thought remains: I really don’t love him. And that’s when they find their way to my work.
So what is the antidote? First, recognize that every time you have the thought “I don’t love him” you say to yourself, “I know this feels real, but it’s a projection.” Then ask yourself, “What am I protecting myself from feeling right now?” If you can, spend some time with your inner child (or teen) and ask if there is anything they would like to share with you.
Remember: you are fighting NOT because you don’t love your partner, but because you love them more than you have ever loved anyone in your life. And this scares the you-know-what of your wounded self, which just doesn’t trust love because of what it sees, hears, and experiences. In fact, I have also come to understand that the depth of childhood abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual) informs the intensity of projection once you are in a real relationship with a safe person. The wounded self is simply going crazy because it doesn’t trust that love can be safe. Now he’s yelling at you in every possible way. And he often uses the line that will catch you the most, which, for many people, is “I just don’t love him.”
Projection is one of the most difficult psychological states to deal with because it feels so real. The hardest part is taking the projection off your partner and understanding, really understanding, that it’s not about the other person. The wounded self will think of all the reasons in the book why her case is different (“Sheryl doesn’t really know what she’s talking about” or “But what if it’s the other person?”), but having worked with thousands of women and men over the years just like you, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that the chances are pretty high that you are in a good relationship and that it really isn’t about the other person.
hang there. Expect. You will get over this. It takes a real commitment to yourself, patience and support, but if thousands of people have overcome it and found their way to love, you can too. I promise.