I think I can safely speak for many separated wives when I say that we can feel quite abandoned during our separation. Even if our husband sat us down, he gave us fair warning and tried to make sure we were taken care of during the break, he can still feel like he’s abandoned. However, as bad as it is, not all wives can afford to have a husband who warns them or tries to stay involved during the separation.
Some husbands are very “hands-off” during their time apart, so much so that it almost seems as if it has fallen off the face of the earth. So when he changes his stance or suddenly becomes interested again, a wife may be resentful and not sure what to do.
She might say, “I know the word ‘abandoned’ is strong. And my husband gets mad when I use it because he denies ever leaving me, but I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to call it. Basically, about three days before moving out, he told me how unhappy he was. And frankly, he never said he was going to leave me. He just avoided being unhappy. Then I got home from work and found a note that said, basically he says he needs some time. Nobody actually said the word “breakup” but that’s definitely what it was. I would try to call and he wouldn’t be that willing to talk to me. I had a health problem and he wasn’t there for me. I tried so many different things to to get him to talk back to me or to get him interested in me again and he pretty much turned me down. This went on for what seemed like a long time. And finally some friends and family gave me some tough love and told me I was wasting my life waiting for him. So I stopped. Well guess what? T he Then he decides that he wants to be a husband again. To be honest, this really pissed me off and I told him it was too late. But now he is literally chasing me. He calls. He comes for my work. He asks me what he has to do to get me back. The great irony is that he would have killed before for this kind of behavior. He would have done anything for it. But now it’s almost insulting. And I do not understand. Why would he abandon me and now he would be trying to win me back?”
Some Possible Theories: I’m not a man. I am a woman and wife who has been through something very similar. But I have spent a lot of time researching this and examining my own husband’s, so I can and certainly will share my theories. As a bit of history, I can’t say I was abandoned. There were some warnings beforehand and although my husband was not so happy to hear from me during our separation and tended to avoid me, I am sure that if there had been a crisis or emergency he would have been reachable and available. Like many, I eventually got tired of waiting and started living my life. But it was always clear to me that I was still committed to my marriage. I just put the wait aside. Sure enough, he eventually became interested again.
Was he upset that it took so long? Yes, but I will share some reasons why he did it. Ultimately, I decided that keeping my marriage was more important to me than keeping score or hurting my pride, but that was it for me. Everyone is different.
Why a husband may not be available during the separation and then love you back: This is going to sound horrible, but sometimes an estranged husband will tell you that once he’s alone, he finally feels like he can breathe again. I know it sounds really bad. And I don’t mean to imply that you kept him on the leash too short (I know I didn’t). It’s just that when your marriage is struggling, it can weigh you down. So having some time to yourself so that you’re not burdened with it can be, well, liberating. As I learned from my husband’s perspective, you want to be able to rest easy and enjoy it a bit. That’s why when his wife calls or tries to initiate contact, she shrugs. You tell yourself that this will only be for a while, but then more time passes than you thought and now she’s mad at you, which makes you not want to call her anymore. The longer you wait, the worse she gets. So you tell yourself that you’ll give it a little more time. Until one day you wake up and realize how much time has passed and you see how much you miss her. And then she starts to question exactly what she was thinking and starts to panic because she realizes that she potentially made the worst mistake of her life.
That panic is why you often see your husband gallantly trying to get you back. He knows that he has waited too long. He knows that what he did was wrong. And he knows that you are angry and hurt. But he wants to get the marriage back anyway.
I’m not defending it. I know how difficult this can be. I know how you feel. I’m just trying to give you an idea of his thought process. I know you’re worried that your friends and family will think you’re a pushover if you accept it. But only you can decide which course of action is right for you. Ultimately, you may decide it’s best to move on. And you might decide to give it another chance. But don’t just decide by what someone else thinks because it’s not your marriage.