Almost all disorders are externally triggered, but internally driven. So it’s not what happens to you that matters. It is how you choose to respond that is important.
The following are questions that will help you better manage your emotions whenever adversity or stress makes you want to recklessly fight back:
o How small is this act in the grand scheme of life?
They once asked a cardiologist for advice on reducing the stress that leads to strokes and heart attacks. He replied, “Rule #1: Don’t worry about the little things. Rule #2: It’s all the little things.” We often have to remind ourselves how small our personal concerns can be in comparison to the bigger issues in life. At the same time, realize that life is too short to waste your main energies on minor matters. Every time you’re faced with a potential argument, cut it down to size by contrasting it with the larger issues in your life.
o Will this really matter much a year from now?
What seems significant at the time may, in fact, be minor in hindsight. If you go back in time and look back, you may be able to regain your perspective on the current problem. You might find that you are once again faced with a situation where you have put too much emotion into too little of an issue. By adding the one-year time perspective, you may be able to reduce the intensity of the current topic under discussion.
o What have you respected, liked, trusted or admired about this person in the past?
Sometimes you have to remember the good in the person you are dealing with. That way, you can tell that they’re not all bad, and could even be wonderful. We are all guilty of doing or saying stupid things. It’s smart to give those we’ve appreciated in the past an occasional break for minor bugs.
o Was this act really intended to harm you?
If you want to protect yourself from the actions and opinions of others, realize this fact right away: people do things first and foremost for their own benefit. Also understand that what is important or real to you may not be to someone else. So expect people to choose the quickest, easiest, or least painful way to get pleasure or avoid pain. Rarely is an act intentionally intended to harm another person. It could be that there is some kind of benefit for whoever is behind it. Remember that in almost all cases, men have no intention of causing the woman they love any real suffering.
o Does this kind of thing happen all the time?
Repeated intentional acts of pettiness should be immediately reprimanded, but an occasional mess should temporarily pass. Even when things happen repeatedly, it may be wise to refrain from saying the trigger phrase, “You always do that!” If you want to prevent your disagreements from spiraling out of control, be sure to accurately measure the frequency of an unpleasant act.
o What is the other side of the story?
There is a saying that goes, “No matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.” To handle any type of problem, it is important to collect all the data first. That way, you can gain an understanding of the other side of the conflict. If you can’t find that opposing perspective, delay your judgments and avoid jumping to conclusions. Listen to the other person so that you have the opportunity to assess the situation more accurately and respond in a way that demonstrates your growing emotional maturity.
o How could this act be appropriate or even helpful?
As wise and caring adults, we should not react or respond with hostility when someone’s actions are unintentional, excessive, or inappropriate for the current situation. And if we can see a long-term benefit from a short-term setback, we can turn the negatives we receive into positives. When in fact there is a real problem related to your actions, simply explain your perspective and your needs in a cooperative way.
o How can you vent anger in a more constructive way?
Emotional disturbances are stored in our physical body, where they can remain and destroy our health. We can release this damaging physical and emotional tension constructively by exercising or talking with a caring friend. The alternative is to vent your anger in unhealthy ways, such as drinking alcohol, overeating, or verbally criticizing others. A better way to handle your upsets is to shift your mental focus to something you enjoy, like shopping, reading, or watching a movie. Another way to let off steam is to delay your reactions until a cool head prevails. Realize that you have many options for releasing your tensions, some of which are healthier for you than others. By being in a better state of mind and body, you will handle your challenges with other people more effectively.
o What could be funny about this?
A creative alternative to dealing with upsets is to find humor in a serious situation. If you are really good at this, you will accomplish three vital things: (1) you will break your pattern of physiology by putting a smile on your face and a spark of joy in your eyes, (2) you will change the tone of your voice and your breathing. patterns by laughing out loud, and (3) changes the words they use when referring to the situation from then on as funny, ridiculous, outrageous, hilarious, silly, or stupid. A trick I often use when faced with a difficult challenge is to ask out loud, “Am I on the fucking candid cam or what?”
By managing your upsets, you can prevent resentment from eating away at the love you’ve worked so hard to enjoy. This process begins with a firm commitment on your part to respond in an emotionally mature way instead of reacting foolishly.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Dating sucks when you have no control over your negative emotions and gradually destroy the things you hold dear in your love life. But dating is great when you firmly control your dislikes and grow as a person who deserves respect, admiration, trust, and love.