Alfred Kinsey concluded that any research based on the emotional aspects of sex would be too subjective and open to personal interpretation. He chose to use responsiveness as an objective measure of sexual activity. Measuring physical phenomenon is a very natural male perspective on sexual function. Kinsey acknowledged that this quantitative approach to his research resulted in the omission of a more qualitative assessment of sexuality.
When we suggest that a couple spend some sexy time together, the inference is that they are engaging in genital-focused activity. We tend to define sex and sexy in the way that men understand these words, in terms of eroticism. But women may find spending time with a lover snuggled up on the couch watching a sentimental movie very sexy. They may also find it sexy to spend time at a romantic dinner. A woman does not get the same emotional satisfaction from sex as men. But that doesn’t mean a woman can’t enjoy sex. A woman can appreciate many aspects of sensual pleasure because she does not have the compelling need for orgasm that men do.
Sexual activity is any behavior that is aimed at achieving orgasm. But if we consider the person giving oral sex and the person receiving intercourse (vaginal or anal), even though they are not aiming to reach orgasm, their behavior is still sexual. So the role of facilitating someone else’s orgasm is just as sexual as being the person having an orgasm.
There is one aspect of sexual pleasure that is uniquely defined by orgasm. It’s the satisfaction of getting a sexual release, along with the muscle spasms and relaxing aftermath that come with a good orgasm. Men have a natural advantage because they experience orgasm more often than women. But men lose in other ways that only women can appreciate.
Due to their sexual drive, men naturally assume that the function of sexual activity is to focus on genital stimulation leading to orgasm. They assume that women respond as they do and that women seek genital stimulation above all else. But genital stimulation is only pleasurable if you are aroused and women are not aroused (enough to orgasm) with a lover.
Men think they are sexual because they have a cycle of arousal that ends with grunting and ejaculation of semen. But they miss the enjoyment of sensuality, emotional pleasure, need and love, touching and feeling. It’s all over in an instant; until next time. A woman’s sexuality implies the desire to spend time with a lover enjoying affectionate company.
When a woman loves another person, she is usually motivated to show her affection by kissing and caressing her lover’s body. She is not aroused and therefore not motivated to stimulate a lover’s genitals as a man is. But if she knows that genital stimulation pleases a lover, she can offer it to him.
Sexual activity (alone or with a partner) can include psychological (emotional and erotic) and physical (sensual and genital) stimuli that may be pleasurable but do not necessarily result in orgasm. This topic is vital to appreciating the confusion about the female orgasm. Men’s responsiveness means that male sexual release is a priority, but women don’t need orgasm.
Men approach sexual activity (alone or with a lover) already aroused, and thus stimulation leads to orgasm. Women are not spontaneously aroused, so stimulation does not guarantee orgasm. Therefore, women often have sex without having an orgasm. A woman accepts that she does not have an orgasm, so she expects to enjoy more general sensual pleasure with a lover.
Two things have to happen. First, a man has to figure out what makes a woman happy outside of the bedroom. This involves nonsexual intimacy and caring behaviors, including sympathetic listening, taking an interest in her concerns, showing affection, and providing support, admiration, and respect.
Second, a couple needs to invest time and effort into their sexual pleasure. They should plan a ‘sex session’ once a month. A man should invest in some accessories like sex toys and porn movies. A woman needs to give some indication of what she thinks might work. Movies must have some story content to be interesting to women. Women are ashamed of such things, so a man must be patient and willing to experiment. On an ad hoc basis, couples could also plan some quick ones for variety by changing the location of intercourse to the shower or outdoors, for example.
Women, more often than men, report that they find sex pleasurable even if they don’t reach orgasm…many women enjoy the intimacy that sex provides, kissing, touching, closeness, etc. (Debby Herbenick 2015)