The focus of this article is biblical recovery for survivors of abuse, so I must begin this new “Dangerous People” section with an explanation of what boundaries are and why they are necessary.
Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy and balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries affect all areas of our lives.
*Physical boundaries help us determine who can touch us.
* Mental limits give us the freedom to have our own thoughts.
* Emotional boundaries help us deal with our own emotions.
* Spiritual boundaries help us distinguish God’s will from our own.
In short, no limits, no recovery.
Lately I’ve been thinking seriously about who the “dangerous people” are for those of us who have survived abuse and are trying to recover. Unless we can recognize the different types of danger that exist, there is a good chance that we will derail our recovery.
Recovery is a process. Think of peeling an onion. The first layer of scaly skin is removed. Well! We’ve probably decided we need help. We find competent help and begin the journey. The second layer of scaly skin soon sheds. Excellent! Now we are starting to see what the problem is! There could be months between the first and second layer of onion skin. As each layer is shed, the smell and sting get stronger, but we persevere because we want to be whole, complete with dignity and a healthy sense of self.
Sometimes there are years between layers of onion skins. We thought we were doing great, and then BAM! Someone verbally slaps us in the face and we feel like we’ve gone back to step one. This time it takes longer to process what happened and how we should deal with it. That is where committed Christians have an advantage: they have a real Source outside of themselves. He is Almighty God with power to give us a perspective that really helps. Of course, we have to have a meek spirit and be humble enough to ask for his help.
I have known many people, myself included, who have been “in recovery” for many years. And I’ve seen most of them stumble into unexpected pain. Someone they thought they could trust betrays them. Someone they thought was healthy and whole surprises them with luggage they’ve never seen before. (And we all have secret baggage.)
Or an adult child starts spewing hateful comments and rips out the mother or father’s heart.
Maybe a friend you shared painful memories with (and they shared theirs) doesn’t value the relationship enough to work it out. They erase you from their life in a matter of seconds, leaving you confused, dazed, and totally alone. Whatever the stimulus, there is that inevitable three-step retracement that happens.
Unless you are to blame. Remember: Boundaries define what we are responsible for. But the guilty never accept responsibility for any of their destructive behavior. It’s always someone else’s fault.
How can you spot the culprits before engaging in relationships with them?
I thought you cared about me. Why would you treat me like this?
If you would just listen to me, I wouldn’t have to treat you badly!
You swore you’d never hit me again. You’re lying to me!
If you didn’t make me mad, I wouldn’t have to hit you!
Mom, stop! You’re hurting me!
Do you see what you made me do?
Why are you angry? I am totally confused.
You took away my freedom to make my own decision.
I don’t understand why you are so hot and cold. Why can’t you be civilized?
I was abused as a child. That’s why I’m so screwed! It’s not my fault!
Why did you leave your wife and children?
She did not meet my needs. If she had been a better wife, she wouldn’t have had to leave.
Why haven’t you lost weight? I thought you made a commitment to be healthy.
People demand too much of me. I have to eat to deal with stress!
Do you see a pattern here? These people don’t want to accept responsibility for their own failings, and they aren’t particularly picky about who to blame. Anyone will.
In recovery, we need to be aware of these patterns, not only in others, but also in ourselves. I speak from my personal experience, as well as a counselor’s experience with those who repeated the cycle of abuse in the next generation.
It absorbs the smell and sting of each lost coat. Get your hands dirty, tears your eyes and cleanse your soul. Even if you never get rid of all the layers, the process will allow you to feel better about yourself, about God, and will give you a sense of worth. It’s stinky hard work, but it’s worth it!