Sometimes I hear from people who know they are reaching their last chance to save their marriage. Sometimes, they have already parted once or several times. Other times, your spouse has run out of patience, isn’t sure if she loves him or if he wants the marriage more, or is being very direct about this being her last chance.
I recently heard from a wife who said, in part, “My husband and I separated twice. He filed for divorce once, but eventually called it off. We’ve fought and then gotten back together more times than I can count.” . We are dealing with many issues and problems. One of which is that he’s not sure if he loves me more. And we also have some trust issues and differences in personalities. Every time we get back together, I have high hopes that this time we’ll make it, but something always goes wrong. For our last separation, my husband moved out about four months ago, I finally got him to agree to come home to try one more time. I know he is impatient. with our marriage. Some friends have told me that he met someone else and want to be able to say that he gave our marriage a fairer chance before moving on. How can I make sure it works this time? I really want to save my marriage because I still love my husband, so how can I make sure this last pt attempt at a reconciliation really sticks?
Of course, I cannot offer you any guarantees. This really has to be a decision that both of you make. However, I can offer some advice to give you a better chance of making your last attempt at reconciliation work this time, which I will do below.
Think long and hard to try to determine what has thwarted your attempts at reconciliation before: Sometimes it can be difficult to determine what went wrong because you are so close to this situation. But, as much as possible, sit back and think about where things fell apart each time you attempted a reconciliation. Maybe it was a problem that kept coming up every time. Perhaps one or both partners were unsure about their commitment or their feelings. They may be opposites who deal with conflict differently and this creates tension.
Whatever problem is most persuasive, look at how you’ve handled it in the past and promise to handle it differently this time. Because there’s no point in sticking with the same failed plan when experience has taught you that what you’re doing just hasn’t worked. So, it’s time to try something new, which brings me to my next point.
Try something new and different. (It helps if you can make reconciliation feel easier and effortless this time.) I have to tell you that often when I talk to people in this situation who are on the eve of one last attempt at reconciliation, it’s not uncommon for them to seem a bit skeptical and reluctant. Why? Because they have their doubts that anything is really going to be that different this time. And they don’t plan to have much fun.
You’ll have a better chance of saving your marriage if you can make this process look easy and fun. I don’t mean to downplay any of your martial problems. I understand that you could very well be dealing with difficult problems. But if you approach this with clenched teeth and clenched palms, you almost influence the outcome in a negative way.
If possible, try to make sure you schedule time to have fun and reconnect during this process. You might get better results if you go to a ball game or play a game rather than sit on the couch and start wondering where you go from here. The truth is, if you can reconnect and start liking each other once again, it becomes a lot easier to start navigating your issues. And it’s very important for your spouse to see that getting back together and staying together is not going to be a job all the time.
Don’t put a sense of despair about your marriage: I know you’re calling this your “last try” to save your marriage. Her spouse could have made it very clear that if things don’t work out this time, a divorce is imminent. That can be a scary and devastating thought. But if you approach this full of anxiety and distress, then it impedes or impairs your ability to be spontaneous and playful.
Sometimes when you hold on so tight and are so afraid of failure, you really run the risk of it influencing your thoughts, behaviors, and actions. Instead of fearing this and dreading it, see it as an opportunity to finally get what you want. This may be a new beginning rather than an end. Think of it that way. And commit to seeking help if you need it because your marriage is on the line. From professional help with a counselor to online resources, there are many things you can do to educate yourself and improve (or even save) your marriage.