Many of the wives who contact me after learning about their husband’s affair notice how much their perception of themselves has changed. I often hear phrases like: “I used to be very strong and confident before the adventure, but now I’m scared and excited. I don’t like the person I’ve become and I hate what his wife has done to me infidelity”. ” Or, “this is going to sound overly dramatic but I feel like a victim. I feel like I had no choice in the matter and that something was stolen from me that I can never get back. I am very resentful and angry. about this. How can I stop feeling this way because I hate it?
Actually, these sentences don’t sound too dramatic to me. I myself had these problems and feelings. I also know the pain and frustration that comes with new self-doubt that you may never have felt before. But I have to tell you that these negative feelings and doubts do not mean that you are not “strong” anymore. What you feel is so normal and understandable. It is very important that you do not turn these feelings back on yourself or worry that something is wrong with you or assume that you should handle it better.
In the following article, I am going to offer some tips that helped me in this situation. I hope they help you too.
If you feel like a victim, use reverse logic to change your mind: The definition of a victim implies that someone has been harmed innocently by the actions of another person. This certainly applies to the wife of a husband who had an affair. Honestly, I feel like the biggest component of this is feeling like you have no control over it. Certainly, this is not a decision you have made, but it is you who is picking up the pieces. And it’s completely normal to feel resentment about this.
But, innocent people are hurt every day. And they have to choose if they’re going to get over it and move on if they’re going to focus on how unfair it all was. I know it may sound harsh, but sometimes you have to look at it this way because it’s so easy to get caught up in how unfair all of this is and delay moving to a place that’s probably much healthier for you.
This exercise can sometimes help. Imagine for a second that your best friend’s husband cheated on her. She comes to you for advice. You know that none of this is her fault, but she confesses to you that she feels victimized and trapped. What would you say? I suspect you would tell her that while what happened to her is deplorable and unfair, you are there to help her heal because she is a beautiful and wonderful person who did nothing wrong and that she deserves to be happy.
So why are you different? Why don’t you deserve the same compassion and reassurance as your best friend? You do They deserve the same sympathy. But sometimes, you have to give it to yourself.
Regaining her power after her husband’s affair: As I mentioned, I firmly believe that feeling victimized has a lot to do with feeling like you have no control over what happens around you or to you. So in order to stop feeling like a victim, you will often have to stop feeling that same lack of control.
It is true that you have no control over whether the affair occurred. She did it. Unfortunately, that is not going to change. But, you have control over where you go from here. That is completely up to you and you have full control over how it is driven and maintained at this point. You can choose to redirect your thought process. You can choose how you spend your time. And you can choose the people and information you surround yourself with. Sometimes it helps to realize that you have more options than you thought.
Women often tell me that they feel like they are at the mercy of their husbands’ actions and behaviors after the affair. They often expect him to act one way, but then are disappointed when he acts the opposite way. For example, the wife may be expecting him to be openly repentant, apologetic, and full of comfort and affection. What she might get instead is a husband who is defensive or keeps his distance because he’s not really sure what to do. And sometimes, the wife in this situation would take all of this to mean that her husband doesn’t care or isn’t sorry, and so she’s left to be reactive with her husband.
But, I would say that before you do that, you first tell your husband what you are looking for and then see how he responds. It is very common that there are misunderstandings like this after the affair. The husband will often assume that the wife wants or needs something which is completely inaccurate. So when the wife doesn’t get what she wants or needs, she assumes the husband isn’t really interested. To avoid this, she will sometimes need to spell out what she needs and then see what kind of response she gets. Not only does this give her a sense of control, it gives her much more accurate information and makes it much more likely that she will get what she wants.
Finally, it is very important that you address and then address those self-esteem issues. It is absolutely normal for her self-esteem to suffer after her husband’s affair. But taking control of this and working tirelessly to get it back is just one way to feel more in control and stop feeling like a victim. Always remember that the core of who you are has not changed because of someone else’s actions. You may feel that way right now, but I promise you that she is still the same strong and resourceful woman that she was before this happened.