As I ate my sixth milk chocolate chip cookie, I realized I was trying to flush the shame and frustration out of my system. After all, this was the fourth time he had taken this master’s exam and he hadn’t passed it. However, it all depended on me passing it. Luckily, he had a full-time teaching position. But for how long? I received frequent memos from the school district when summing up meant… pass or finish your degree.
Melancholy, I bit into my eighth cookie. Did I mention I was on a diet? Eating to comfort myself only compounded my frustration…
Few are able to “think straight” after a big disappointment. We are emotionally vulnerable. At times like these, when we need to be kind and compassionate to ourselves, we tend to treat ourselves harshly and scold ourselves instead. A series of thoughts ran like a steam engine through my mind during this stressful time: “Are you stupid?” The third grade teacher passed the test on the first try! Soon you will be homeless. Is that what you want, Rosalind?
Sounds familiar?
Although mistakes, delays, and disappointments are inevitable roadblocks to success, our inner critic can prevent us from learning lessons from our mistakes and then applying them to get us closer to our goals.
Yes, it’s hard to put your effort and time into a project and get unfair criticism from your boss, or study hard for an important test and fail, or watch your partner go off with a younger woman. Our first instinctive reaction is, “What’s wrong with me? Or I can’t handle this!”
Sadly, over time some have chosen to “throw in the towel of life”, choosing to exist day by day; others have become naysayers, projecting their inner critic onto anyone around them who shares their dream. These are the people who tell you all the reasons why your goals won’t work. Adopting these attitudes towards life is the real failure.
But what separates the successful from the unsuccessful is what lies between the ears: our mental conversations.
You could joke, “Hey, I don’t talk to myself!” But we all do it whether it shows or not. The internal dialogue colors our expectations. For example, a coworker walks down the hall and passes you. If his inner critic is on, he may perceive his solemn nod as offensive. you react “What a nasty guy! He’s frowning. I’ll ignore him next time.” You never consider other factors like he just had a big argument with his wife and he was brooding. We strain our work relationships through our negative self-talk.
What do we need to be successful in our personal and professional lives?
Learning to recognize and silence the inner critic is the only response that gives us the freedom to passionately pursue our desires.
Here are three ways to dismantle your “critic”.
1. Hang out with upbeat and successful people
What you hang, you become. Have you ever hung out with negative people? Your complaints and criticisms can drain you emotionally and physically after a short time. However, by surrounding yourself with positive and caring people, they can offer you understanding and grace as you face obstacles on your path to success. These real people recognize your disappointments and your pain when you mess it up, but they will lovingly kick you in the butt and say, “Okay, let’s get back to work!” They have experienced their share of setbacks, but have chosen to find a way around their challenges. They will motivate you to do the same.
2. Talk to your inner critic
My friend Donna always told me, “Go to the lion’s roar.” What did she mean? She claimed that the roaring lion is always the mature one that had no teeth. She would say, “He’s quite the bluff when he roars. He sounds scary, but he can’t hurt you.”
The inner critic reminds me of a roaring lion. Our critic may be loud and convincing, but he learns to respond to you. When your critic gets upset, he writes in your journal. He draws a line down the middle of a sheet of paper in your journal. On the left side, he writes what your inner critic screams. For example, while studying for my teacher’s exam, I heard the critic say, “Why are you studying? You’ll fail again.” I noted it in my diary.
On the right side counter that voice with the truth. In response to the reviewer, I wrote, “I might fail the exam, but if I put in the effort and focus, I know it will be a matter of time before I pass.” I did this whenever I felt like falling into self-pity. Over time, my inner critic’s voice dropped to a whisper. Try it. The truth will certainly set you free.
3. Learn the life lesson
By all means refrain from letting your inner critic control your life! When we bow down to feelings of self-pity, anger, and depression, we perceive ourselves as helpless. Our actions will align with our perceptions. The truth is that there are many solutions to problems and obstacles, we simply need to discover our options.
Since success is always a byproduct of teamwork, spend time with your positive support team. Ask them to help you identify areas of weakness and how to address certain issues. In the end, you will have many perspectives and options to work with. Select the option that best suits your circumstances and apply it. Track the results and adjust them if necessary. Quickly learn your life lesson from a setback, and you won’t have to repeat it.
After wallowing in self-pity and chocolate chip cookie crumbs framing my mouth, I finally decided I had no choice. I needed to see why I failed this teacher’s exam for the fourth time. What lesson did I need to learn? My weakest subject was Mathematics. The last course I took was high school Algebra. That was twenty years ago!
I decided to look for other teachers in my school who had not passed the exam. I found three teachers and we formed a study group. For six weeks we fired test questions at each other. We debate answers, share test-taking strategies, stuff our mouths with chips, and laugh.
Fortunately, each member of the team had their specialty topic. I took pride in being able to help teachers with essay questions in English. I got better answering Geometry and Algebra questions.
Throughout the process, my inner critic tried to scream; he tried to get my attention, but I was focused, determined to pass that exam and complete my teacher training program. Somewhere in the process I
forgot about the review. I took the test and am proud to report that I passed.
You deserve the best that life has to offer. Spend time with positive and successful people. Work with the inner critic by listening to it and feeding it the truth. It will shrink. Learn the lessons that each circumstance presents to you, and you will find yourself becoming more emotionally resilient, productive, and successful.