I am the mother of four beautiful children. Don’t get me wrong, before our daughter was born, people either wished my husband the best or extended the occasional congratulations to him. In general, however, most people who have experienced the joy of childbirth know that it is about the baby and the mother.
Babies, cute little round balls of kissable delicacies. No one can resist a tiny two-person copy. No one can wait for your arrival. As soon as your partner announces your pregnancy, the countdown begins. 40 weeks of preparation, nervousness, planning and redecoration, all in the name of your unborn child. You will do many things during this period that you never imagined. You realize this quite early in the pregnancy, as you look at that once beautiful woman, bent over the toilet, vomiting breakfast this morning and with her hair matted in her face, they are in this together. She needs you. You become their broker. At 3 am to buy her that gallon of milk chocolate she can’t live without. You become his piece of comfort. She is counting on you to tell her that she is beautiful when her ankles look like bowling balls. You two become closer than ever.
Go with her to the first visit to the doctor. Everything becomes real when you see that heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. That little peanut will become your son or daughter. At this point, he’s so excited that he can’t contain himself or he’s scared to death. After a few months go by and you get a little more nervous, the days get shorter. If your partner is being induced, the longest night of her life is the night before, you need to take her to the hospital.
Eventually that day will come. Your little package arrives. Adrenaline kicks in, because you’ve seen your partner endure an incredible amount of pain. More pain than you’ve probably ever seen another human being go through. You didn’t expect this. You have watched TV shows and read tons of articles. The delivery was not a beautiful experience for either of us. Tv lied! It was bloody and sticky and stinky. You look at what your beautiful baby is supposed to be. It has a cone-shaped head, is pink, bald, and cries a lot.
Despite all the emotions, and you not so cute baby, you are a dad and you are going to be a rock star. Those early days are blurry. You and your partner are sleep deprived. However, you are still in the hospital. If you’re not breastfeeding, sending your baby to daycare isn’t the end of the world. You are paying these people to help you. Make the most of it. You and your partner can benefit from the rest. All the real fun starts when you tie that baby up in his little car seat and head home. At this point, Mom might be a little excited. Cheer her up, she needs it. Reassure her by letting her know that she is not crazy and that everything will be normal soon.
Now about you. When you get home, you will finally have a few minutes to think. It could be on the toilet, maybe when you’re having a turkey sandwich, or maybe when you’re fueling up your vehicle. It’s going to hit you. All those emotions you have put aside, being strong for everyone else. These emotions don’t just affect those who have seen vaginal birth, they can affect anyone who has added a child to their family. Yes, this also means adoptive parents. You will realize that you did not come out of this experience unscathed. Some dads float through the experience with little emotion. So if you’re not super emotional, don’t feel like something is wrong with you. If you’re excited, like my husband, who was a jerk before witnessing our daughter’s birth, that’s fine too. I guess as a mom I didn’t really consider her emotional well-being. I didn’t realize that one night a week later it would collapse. Seeing that giant 6 foot 4 inch man cry was by far one of the hardest things I have ever seen. I took that opportunity to have “the talk” with him. It’s okay for parents to get excited. They, like mom’s, are getting ready for a big event. That event ends for them too. However, unlike Mom, they can’t expect things like being able to put on their old clothes. Dads don’t always have to be strong. Sometimes they just need a moment to reflect. While they didn’t feel the pain, they had to watch their best friend go through it. Guys tend to take over painful tasks so their partners don’t have to do them. This is something he couldn’t do for you. Dads are worrisome creatures too. They worry about money, why the baby is crying, why his poop is green, and many other problems. Dad, take some time for yourself. I know this may seem impossible, but even if it’s just a shower or a bathroom break. You must recharge to allow your partner to recharge as well.
If your emotions are taking over you for more than a few weeks or if you have thoughts of harming your partner or baby, talk to a professional. Just remember that it’s okay for dads to feel excited too after the baby is born. Don’t be embarrassed to discuss it with your partner. Sometimes she is the best person to help you feel normal again. Before you know it, you will look back on this experience and try to remember life before the baby. For now, take care.