I am not a label writer. Well, at least I try not to be. I am a writer and student of elegance. However, in my study of elegant living and the authoring of my books, I have to deal with etiquette and manners.
I hope to get this out once and for all. Etiquette and manners are not the same. They are two different things. While having good manners is the root of etiquette, having etiquette may just be a mask for manners.
Let me try to explain. Manners are kindness, while etiquette is simply an organized way of doing things. The etiquette is born from manners, whose intentions are to develop an organized and orderly system of doing things, considering how those actions can affect others.
So it is possible for someone to have etiquette but no real manners. Like someone can do and say all the right things, but you feel like something isn’t quite right. It’s like a facade.
For example, why is it “etiquette” to stand on the left (or right, depending on where you’re from) on an escalator? This is so someone else in a hurry can quickly go on their merry way without disturbing anyone else. If you don’t think of others and stand where you want, the other person will not be able to quickly get off the escalator.
Slowly, a system develops. They just teach us to stand to the left of the escalator. If we never spent a second wondering why everyone is moving to the corner of an escalator, then we would have etiquette, not manners.
The “thinking of others” part is manners. The social behavior of going to a corner is etiquette. So I hope this illustrates why a polite person can have etiquette but no manners.
Ideally, we should have good manners and etiquette. Manners are rooted in kindness. Once you’re kind, caring, and considerate of others, you won’t have to memorize etiquette. That’s in general terms, of course. We should strive to learn about general etiquette or etiquette from another culture, especially if we have friends from other places. This is especially useful if you must work in another country or when you travel.
Is it possible to have manners but no etiquette? Of course.
As wonderful as we like to think we are, we have different ways of being thoughtful. We also have different ways of interpreting kindness and consideration. If we offer our seat to an elderly person, we are acting kindly. If the older person takes it the wrong way and thinks that you are labeling him as old, then our actions in his mind are not out of kindness.
This is most evident in culture. Each culture has developed its own social behavior and therefore its etiquette.
Another example is learning the food etiquette of various cuisines. You might have the best heart in the world but offend a hostess by pouring the wrong sauce on your food. Or give the wrong gift. For example, in some Asian cultures, giving watches is akin to ‘wish them dead’ or shoes ‘to say their relationship or marriage won’t last’.
When you visit homes, in some places it is polite to offer to do the dishes, and in others, helping with the dishes is an intrusion on privacy. This is all etiquette, not manners.
Manners first, etiquette second
So how to approach life with manners and etiquette? You can ask. Should I go buy the biggest, thickest etiquette book?
I think the best way is to quickly browse the internet or general etiquette books whenever you’re not sure about something. In that way, you are acting out of kindness. Don’t worry though, if you can’t remember everything. I’ll be the first to admit that etiquette books are intimidating. Anything you don’t know, ask nicely and in private if you can. Most of the time, it would be appreciated.