Do you remember long before you had children, let’s call it before Christ, when you made certain promises to yourself about the kind of person you would be in motherhood?
Do you remember going out to eat with your other half while a pair of harassed looking parents were trying to “control” their toddler who was screaming and screaming until his face turned purple that he WANTS ICE CREAM and he wants it RIGHT NOW?
Tsk on them too?
It’s okay, I’ve been there. And now I feel a great need to apologize out loud to all the mothers I’ve looked down on for having screaming, uncontrollable children.
You see, BC, you swear to yourself that you will never, ever allow your child to become a walking Barney/Dora/Pokemon advertisement or spit on a tissue while out in public to wipe chocolate off around their chops (having eaten said chocolate just an hour ago before dinner time too).
And it sounds so good in your head. You will be this easygoing, calm mother earth whose yogic breathing practices will help her get through the rough waters and make sure she rises above skinny-looking women with baby vomit on their shoulders and a handful of food in their mouths. back of their hair that they are screaming at their little ones with saliva coming out of their mouths.
I will NEVER be that woman you promise yourself.
Then reality hits you between the eyes in the form of a child and you have a better chance of running into George Clooney in the supermarket than you have time for yogic breathing, or any breathing for that matter, and you’ll do anything for it. a moment of peace or to stop feeling embarrassed in the middle of a crowded supermarket.
In fact, I laughed out loud when I read this post on Ravings of a Mad Housewife – she knows damn well what I’m talking about.
And it got me thinking, what did I wear that I would never do in motherhood?
1. Bribe my kids with candy.
Their little bodies are a temple right? Well, not when I’m halfway through Tesco with a full cart and Mia decides she’d like to throw the groceries out of the cart as fast as I’m putting it in. It’s the way to relieve boredom and yelling “hey ma’am” at other shoppers is a lot more fun than helping mom with the shopping list.
2. Talk about my kids ALL THE TIME.
Parents do that, have you noticed? Every little event in your child’s development is reproduced in graphic detail and if you sit next to a parent at work, you know so much about their potty training, bed-wetting and tantrums that you really want to throw a tantrum.
And God forbid there are two mothers sitting next to each other at work: it’s like the local midwife’s waiting room.
Now that I’m a mom I have to gag myself.
“It was so much fun this morning…” I start, then think, actually, unless you were there, it’s really not that funny.
3. Take your child to work.
A big no no. People say ‘bring him in as soon as you can’, but they don’t really mean it. They refer to bringing a photo. Just as touching a child was toxic for the creatures at Monsters Inc, so it is for children at work. In fact, I used to run to the bathroom to prevent babies from being brought into the office. And moms have always chosen me to push their beloved newborn.
4. Use television as a babysitter.
Imagine the scene. You just got home from work after picking up the kids from school/nursery/grandma’s house. You have to fix them something to eat, make yourself a cup of medicinal tea, and juggle preparing their packed lunch for tomorrow while you figure out what to do for you and your husband for tea.
While you’re trying to do all of this, you’ve got one kid hanging off your leg demanding to be picked up, the other begging you to play a game of frustration with them (oh yeah, a very apt name for a game) and it’s pouring rain outside, so if they go out to play, you have at least an hour to clean up afterwards.
Who are you going to call? Sportacus, of course: 25 minutes of Lazytown is plenty of time to run around the house like someone hit fast-forward and get all those jobs done.
5. Promise each other that your child will never be THAT kid who kicks, bites, pulls hair.
Yeah right, until you get the call from the nursery saying that your cute little girl has been bullying the boys.
I remember the times the nursery staff had to pull me aside to tell me that some child had bitten Daniel or committed some other equally heinous crime. Boy, I scoffed and cursed at his parents. And don’t even get me started on the day he came home having learned how to say fuck, and had heard it from a four-year-old.
What is wrong with these people, I would be angry with my husband, they have no control over their children?
Then I had a daughter and she seems to be slowly working her way through the Naughty Girl manual.
There are many more: we will always sit together and eat as a family, I will never feed my child chocolate before the age of 10, I will never let my children dictate our lifestyle, I will never scream like a banshee, etc. etc. So what are the promises you made to yourself before you became a father?