Sometimes I hear from people who are not quite sure how to react to their spouse’s need for “space” after one of them has cheated or had an affair. And this space can be requested by either spouse. Sometimes, it is the cheating spouse who wants or needs space because he is not sure how he wants to proceed or what he really wants after the affair has come to light.
From this spouse, you might hear a comment like, “I know I really hurt my wife by walking away and asking her for time. But I wouldn’t ask this of her if I really didn’t need it. I don’t want to hurt her more than I already have. But at the same time time, I can’t even think without her constantly following me around the house and asking me how I feel and what I want. Truth and to say that I still don’t know what I want. I don’t know how I feel. And that she is in front of me And demanding answers from me only makes it worse. I need her to give me some space. But when I mention this, she acts like she thinks I’m going to cheat again. I have no intention of cheating again. I just need a little bit of cheating. time to fix things. But my wife questions my intentions constantly. “
Other times, the faithful spouse needs space because they just need more time to process this and feel like they can’t really do it properly if they constantly have to watch or interact with their spouse. So they think the whole process would be a lot easier if they could spend a lot more time alone.
From them, you might hear a comment like: “My husband acts like I kicked him out of the house when I caught him cheating. I didn’t. What I did was ask him to give me a couple of weeks alone. I never said that this was going to be forever. I just need time (without him) to process this. I need some time to be myself and collect my thoughts. Frankly, every time I see my husband right now, I feel anger. I don’t want to feeling this angry all the time. It helps me feel more favorable towards my husband when I don’t have to look at him and I don’t have to listen to his questions constantly. “
The need for space is understandable. But caution must be exercised to avoid misunderstandings: I don’t think it’s too much to ask under any circumstances. I’ve seen firsthand that sometimes a little time after an affair can help defuse the situation. But it is vital that you keep the lines of communication open so there are no misunderstandings. Explain how it could benefit your marriage in the future. It is also important that you check in with your spouse regularly. This helps your spouse understand that you are not doing anything dishonest and that you are not asking for space to carry out dishonest acts.
The correct way to request space: A suggested script might go something like: “I want to explain to you why I need a little space. I just need a little time for myself to process this and try to determine what I want to move forward with. I am not doing any of this to try to punish you. or do something dishonest. I do it because I feel like I need some time. I feel that if I have uninterrupted time that is not influenced by outside sources, I will do it I have a much better chance of making a sensible decision and strategy to move forward. I am not doing this to hurt you or jeopardize our marriage. I do this because I think it will help our marriage. And I want to stay in regular contact during this so neither of us wonder what the other is doing. I want you to feel comfortable with this. ” .
How to respond to a space request: If you are the spouse on the other side of this application, it is important that you say how you really feel. If your biggest concern is your loyalty and commitment, then there is nothing wrong with saying so. You could say something like, “I am listening to what you are saying. I understand that space can give us both time to calm down. My concern is that if you are not in our house remembering our marriage, you will question your commitment.” and your infidelity with me. I express this concern because I want to be completely honest in all aspects of our marriage. So we need to set some boundaries and arrange to meet regularly to have peace of mind. “
If you are the accepting spouse, it is very important that you do precisely what you have said. If you are trying to save your marriage, it is vital that your spouse does not have to constantly evaluate your motivations or monitor your actions. Misunderstandings when one spouse takes “space” is extremely common. That is why staying in touch and communicating frankly and directly is vital.
And make sure you’re using the space when you take it. If you tell your spouse that you are taking the space to make a decision about your marriage, then this is exactly what to do. It’s not often that you have this kind of time and distance to evaluate, so it makes sense to make the most of it now. Know that your spouse is likely watching you very closely. Do not do anything dishonest or inconsistent with what you have said to your spouse.
If you are the spouse who did not love the spouse, be honest about any reservations or concerns that arise. But try to avoid nagging or allowing your insecurities to drive your actions. It is normal to feel uncomfortable when your spouse asks for space, especially in light of the infidelity. However, it can sometimes be beneficial when handled correctly. The key is to make sure you do what you say and stay in close contact with your spouse.